Monthly Archives: December 2012
As a new year falls upon us all, an old tradition of resolutions, or things that we might promise ourselves, somehow finds its way to the forefront of our thoughts. What do we owe this to? Regret? Perhaps for some, but for those that may have experienced a previous year of meaning; a sense of worth befalls them. For those few happy folk, they only look to improve what they have done in years past. I don’t fall into the latter as most people close to me already know, through various rants and complaints about several areas in my life that can only be described as unsatisfactory. That final bit is what I’m worried about, a lack of satisfaction, or enjoyment in my life. The idea that I might be someone, someday, has started to fade in this past year. I will not stand. This year I change course and set sail for a new horizon to chase down visions of my future life that I have lost to several years of disappointment and despair.
I will not. I will not pretend that there are no chances to take a new route. For too long I’ve wandered further down a road which I know leads to a dead end. With every step I take I am overlooking the alleyways leading toward new streets. Yes, they may be dark, and what lies on the other side isn’t known to me. Yet I will look upon this challenge with a sense of excitement, for what lies at the end of my road may be no better. This year I will not pretend I have made the right choices and that I have had no others. This year I will forge a new path, make new friends, and begin fresh relationships.
Loneliness has brought on this call to arms, an idea for a drastic change in living patterns. As I am writing this solely for myself, I feel confident enough right now to share the most secret details of my daily routine. I avoid as much contact with others as possible. I have built my social routine around tossing in a single line or phrase to a conversation. It’s enough to keep people from being concerned about my well-being, but not enough to engage them in longer dialogue. It’s purposeful. I don’t let others into my life, with exception of a few closer friends, and even they are not close enough to know the truth. I’m lonely, yes. The fact, the single fact of this matter is I’ve not been in a serious relationship, or any for that matter, whether romantic or a simple friendship for over two years. Yes, I work with two-hundred and ninety something other people every day. They know me, I know them; by name at least. Beyond that, some may know I like electronic music, that I enjoy watching How I Met Your Mother, or perhaps even that I spend anywhere from three to six hours a day in an online world of my choosing. It’s time to let them in, some more than others, and if it fits I’d like to let someone close enough to really see who I am for the first time in well… forever.
This brings us to my own “New Years Resolution.” This year I already find myself leaving my current employment, which is perhaps a reason for all of this, but another story in itself. In the next three-hundred and sixty-five days I hope to find someone I can open up to. It’s time to look to the future, and my current course of behavior has me relying on some brilliant act of fortune in order to not spend it alone. Open up. Find someone special. Quitting smoking wouldn’t hurt either. Here’s to a brighter year ahead. Get out there and have some fun.